See Some, Get Some: Learning Your ABCs. (Probably NSFW)

Parental advisory: The following content may be construed by some as “risqué.” You’ve been warned.

This just in: girls gossip. I know, what a novel revelation; you all thought it was something that only happened in the movies, like retrograde amnesia or discovering a temple of devil worshipers deep beneath the earth. But we’re busybodies and blabber mouths.

We care far too much about what the rest of our gender thinks of us, so to stay fully absorbed we talk about any and everything. Yes, gentlemen, including sex. And often in a far more graphic manner than you’d think. We talk about how big you are, how much chest/back hair you have, how fast you move, what you say or grunt or if you exhale in a comical fashion.


You name it, we probably talk about it. To be fair, some of us are more detailed than others, but please do not be fooled into thinking all we do is watch chick flicks, while getting drunk on wine and crying about why we can’t find Mr. Right. Nay, we go into detail about Mr. Last Night.

You men think you’re very clever. You think you have tricks of the trade for bedding your evening conquest and/or securing repeat visits to Poundtown. You each have those go-to one-liners that you keep in your back pocket.

The name of the game is ABC = always be closing. What kind of man would you be if you got rejected over and over due to lack of game? Attention, interest, decision, action. Those are the keys to success in everything in life (so Alec Baldwin tells us). Afterall, we all know that losers always whine about their best, winners go home and fuck the prom queen.

So, when you finally seal the deal and find yourself escorting Miss Teen Fairfax to one of your bedrooms for the evening, it seems to us that you have nothing but the end game in sight.

Good for you. We do too. But pump the breaks, cool hand Luke. There are some steps to take before you fuck the pain away. Some of my girlfriends and I recently got to talking about the ridiculous excuses we’ve heard from men who are avoiding trying to wear the love glove.

They’ve run from the obvious to the creative/pathetic. Take a gander at the following list of all-star persuasive one-liners (these all really happened) and my rebuttals:

I’m allergic.
You know what I’m allergic to? Herpes.

Wearing a condom is like taking a shower with a raincoat on
Then have fun walking home nice and dry.

I just got tested.
Let me see your papers.

They’re so expensive, and I’d rather spend that money on you
They’re $7 for a 12 pack. Go fetch, I’ll be right here.

I’ll lose my wood.
You’ll also lose a lot in child support.

It’s all the way in the car I don’t want to get dressed to go get it.
Well, it’s either that or you get dressed to drive home alone. Your decision.

Yeah, but it’s been in my wallet for a while.
Really, it’s been that long for you?

I’ll pull out, I promise.
Oh perfect, because I totally believe you.

Her: “Do you have something?” Him: “What? Like a Dentyne Ice?”
Just walk away.

I’m a virgin.
OMG, me too. This is so exciting I’ve always wanted to lose it to another virgin. Take me now, then let’s get married.

What do I look like, a sailor? Follow-up: I’ve been at basic training for 7 months, I’m clean.
I really only just laughed when I heard this.

Why? Everyone already has HPV these days.
Cool, like where your head’s at. Let’s take this up a notch.

You can only get herpes once.
Are you insinuating that it is me, or you, who would be carrying this dark passenger?

I hate the smell of latex.
I hate the smell of dirty diapers.

It gets everything so dry, how can you stand it?
Not if you do it good enough.

I had a vasectomy.
Ok, this actually happened to someone I know. She had his baby 9 months later.

Can’t you just take Plan B tomorrow?
Yeah, sure. If you fork over the $50 for it now.

I’ll pay for your abortion.
I’ll pay you to get the fuck out and never come near me again.

So, if you’re trying to get it in, remember this simple acronym: ABC = Always Bring Condoms. Ladies, this means you, too. Don't count on those buffoons to provide the goods. Godspeed, my hormonal friends!

@Fire_and_Nice is a NoVa native and proud towny.  Consider her your resident Carrie Bradshaw, just not as rich and more irreverent. The Ballroom's crass slipper, she is topically sassy and honest (to a fault?).  Can be found in her natural habitat: atop a chair/bench/table beating the beat and/or whipping her red hair back and forth.  In short: yes, this is real life.